Discussing death with a child

How do you discuss death with a child?

When children experience trauma such as a death of a primary caregiver their world can be turned upside down and influence how they feel about themselves and how they cope with the loss, which in turn can create insecure attachments.

Insecure attachment may take the form of avoidant, distant behaviour or anxious clinging behaviour. When children have insecure attachments with their parents, any number of negative consequences can follow, such as depression, anxiety, a lowered ability to cope with stress, and poor relationships with others.

If children are not supported adequately during loss, these insecure attachments can have an impact on the development of future relationships as they may be afraid to trust or love other people in fear that they too may die or disappear from their lives.

Children who have lost a family member or a loved one often have three main concerns, namely:

  • Did I cause the death?

  • Am I going to die?

  • Who will take care of me?

Even during adolescence, insufficient or distorted knowledge about an unexpected or sudden death can result in feelings of guilt and regret about causing or preventing the death. All children, no matter what their age, need to be reassured that they were not responsible for the death.

So, the BIG question often asked is:  “How do you discuss death with a child?”

Explaining death to children

In the video below from the website My Grief Assist, author and expert on the topic, Doris Zagdanski, gives excellent advice on how to explain death to young children.

Pointers for discussing the death of a loved one with a child

  • Timing – there is no perfect time, but the child should be told as soon as possible.

  • Honesty – TELL THE TRUTH!

  • Use simple language that can be understood such as dead, dying, died.

  • Avoid the use of euphemisms such as passed on, gone to sleep, not waking up.

  • Let the child’s questions guide you and respond with questions such as: What makes you think that? What do you think is going to happen to them after they have died?

  • Give small chunks of information at a time and go at the child’s pace. Let the child’s conversation guide you.

  • Have developmentally appropriate discussions using simple, direct language appropriate to their level of understanding.

Using developmentally appropriate language

Below is an extract from the article  “How to tell a child or young person that someone has died from coronavirus” which can be found on the Winston’s Wish website. This extract suggests a way to explain to a child that someone has died.

“We know that all living things will die someday. Flowers, animals, trees, butterflies, people all die eventually…”

“… however, the great majority of people will die when they are very old.”

“Occasionally, someone will die before they are old because, for example, of an accident or serious illness.”

“Sadly, [name] has died. Everyone wishes they had not died and had lived for many more years. However, their body was not able to keep working and so they died. Their heart stopped beating, their lungs stopped breathing and their brain stopped thinking, and so they died.”

“We are very healthy and we’re going to do all we can to keep that way, because I want to be around to [play with my great grandchildren/travel to Mars/celebrate the year 2100].”

“When someone dies, their body stops working and they are no longer able to do the things they could when they were alive, such as move or talk or hug or play.”

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