Providing ongoing support for grieving children

Grief over time and puddle jumping

Grief proceeds on its own terms. For example, a younger child’s grief is different from that of an adult. Children may display grief reactions that can be compared to jumping in and out of puddles and is often referred to as puddle jumping. One minute they are very sad and the next they are laughing and playing, their grief seemingly forgotten.

There is no set time frame for how long children grieve, they don’t get over grief in a fixed amount of time. Children also experience grief differently over time and will revisit their previous experiences of grief each time they reach a new developmental age and cognitive understanding.  In many ways children never get over a significant loss and the death of a loved one, be it a family member of friend and therefore changes and special days in their lives will always remind them of that loss.

It is important therefore that support for the grieving child and family be ongoing and not only immediately after the death.

Watch a video on puddle jumping

The video below from Child Bereavement UK, describes how grieving children seem to jump in and out of their grief very quickly like they’re jumping in and out of a puddle.

Supporting children and adolescents when someone dies

An article Ten Tips for Supporting Children who are Grieving can be found online at the Dougy Centre for Grieving suggests numerous ways in which children and adolescents who have lost family and friends can be supported. Below is a summary of these suggestions:

Tell the truth

  • Start with short and simple explanations of what happened,
  • Use language appropriate to their developmental age and understanding,
  • Let their questions guide the explanations you give,
  • Avoid using euphemisms such as passed away, gone away, is sleeping etc. 

Listen with empathy and compassion

  • Keep in mind that children communicate using verbal, non-verbal (body language) and play languages.
  • It is important when listening to do so without judging, interpreting, or minimizing what the child is saying.
  • Remember you don’t have to have all the answers, it is okay to say “I don’t know”.

Allow for and support a variety of reactions

Grief looks and feels different for everyone and is expressed according to a variety of different factors which include:

  • age
  • culture
  • gender
  • support system in place
  • the relationship with the person who died.

Children and adolescents may be concerned about other family members dying too. Anger and fear may be prominent reactions and they need to be reassured that these are normal reactions and that it’s okay to feel the way they do.

Create routines and consistency

  • Children feel safe when there is as little disruption to their normal routines as possible.
  • Give them opportunities to be involved and provide them with choices as this can help them regain a sense of power and trust that they can have a say in their lives. For example allow them to be involved in the planning of the funeral service or how they want to remember significant days such as birthdays.

Provide choices

  • A death in the family can leave children and adolescents feeling powerless and out of control.
  • Providing choices that are in line with their developmental age can help them regain a sense of purpose and feel that they do have a say in their lives for example even as simple a choice as asking “Would you like your cereal hot or cold today?”
  • It is also important to let them make choices directly related to death and their grief such as how they want to acknowledge significant days such as birthdays or the anniversary of the death.

Make space for play and creativity

  • Children and adolescents need outlets to express their grief, some will want to talk about their experiences while others may express themselves through play, movement, and creativity to make sense of the situation.
  • Consider offering opportunities for activities such as playing with toys, creating art, writing,  journaling, playing, or listening to music.
  • Outdoor activities such as running, dance or sport need to be encouraged for those children with have high energy levels.

Get extra help if needed

  • Most children will return to their prior level of functioning following a death; however, it is important to recognise those children who are demonstrating signs of complicated or delayed grief and who may need extra support and guidance.
  • Inform teachers (and the school) of the situation as they can play a vital role by offering ongoing understanding and support to the grieving child or adolescent.
  • If ongoing grief behaviours begin to interfere with normal daily activities it may be necessary to seek bereavement therapy e.g. play therapy from a child psychologist or social worker for a younger child, or grief counselling for an older child or adolescent from a qualified grief or trauma counsellor.

Support for grieving children in South Africa

Khululeka Grief Support is a Non-Profit Organisation based in Cape Town with a mission to build the resilience of children, adolescents and adults who care for them by equipping them with tools to process their experiences of loss and death.

They provide several appropriate resources, including the KHU KIT – an excellent resource to help those caring for bereaved children to help them understand grief and loss, and to provide support to children. The KHU Kit provides a comprehensive overview of the impact of age and developmental stage on understanding and processing grief. It includes tips on appropriate and helpful responses. It highlights common causes of premature death in South Africa and how to explain these in an age-appropriate way. It focuses on how to plan and facilitate a grief and loss support group for bereaved children offering a range of activities and stories to help facilitate particular topics and emotions.

The KHU KIT costs R300 and can be purchased online from https://khululeka.org/store/

The website also provides several Free Tools which can be downloaded and printed. Click on the image below to download these tools from the Khululeka website.

The PatchSA website also has a number of resources for adults and children on grief and bereavement.

Loss, Grief & Bereavement in Children's Palliative Care

To learn more about supporting grieving children and families and to gain a greater understanding of the topic, you may wish to register for our course Loss, Grief and Bereavement in Children’s Palliative Care. 

Learn More